Thailand

Banging in Thailand
By Becky Klienman

Everything that you have ever heard about Thailand is true and false. It just depends on your attitude, luck and timing. Since guides have all of the basics, here's the stuff they don't!

BANGKOK

SEX & DANGER
Yes, there is sex in Bangkok. And like most big cities, there's crime too. But! It's not the dangerous hellhole people make it out to be. There also exists a `civilized side,' one of royal wealth that doesn't exist here. Like Jamaica, the tourists are offensive low-lifes, whereas the Thais are elegant.

HEALTH/FIRST AID
Get shots updated. Malaria pills aren't necessary if you're only going to Bangkok and south Thailand (the beaches), but definitely get some Cyproflex (for stomach).

TRAVEL GUIDES
Since there aren't any hip travel guides (Time Out, Virgin), your best bet is Lonely Planet, which is great for accommodations, travel, history and customs. For dining and nightlife, check out Tattler magazine-Bangkok. See where the photos were taken for the hippest places. If you have time, do a Lexis-Nexis search to get any up-to-date information.

WHAT TO EXPECT
Bangkok is huge, dirty, dilapidated and so full of people it makes New York seem like a cow town. Just go with its energy, the more you fight it, the more you drown.

WEATHER
It's so ungodly hot that July in Georgia will be no sweat from then on. Clothes become soaked within minutes, so forget about staying clean. Bring lots of light layers, suntan block and a hat.

Women should avoid tank or halter-tops since exposing oneâs shoulders is tres' uncool.

To escape the horrible tourist factor, go during monsoon season (fall).

WHERE TO STAY
Take the colonial route at one of two Tony hotels, the Oriental or the Regent. Since both are renown for their outstanding service, poolside drinks, and robes and slippers, this is the time to splurge. The Regent's rooms are nicer, but nothing beats eating eggs Benedict on the verandah overlooking the Chao Phraya River at the Oriental, which also is home to the famous Bamboo jazz bar.

F.Y.I. Unlike in the States, many of Bangkok's better restaurants and bars are located in hotels.

WHERE TO EAT
The food is so incredible; you will forever be disappointed here. The seafood, fruits and vegetables are much fresher and the flavors are so intense, everything tastes like porridge now.

Scoot your butt over to Chinatown, where I had the best meal sitting on an overturned bucket at a makeshift table on the street. It consisted of a garlic-roasted fish, morning glory veggies, tom-yum soup and a plate of freshly steamed, giant prawns all while hundreds of people passed by on every mode of transportation, sometimes a family of six to a motorbike.

Don't look at the deep woks full of ants, grasshoppers and silk worms.

Bangkok offers any kind of cuisine, like Italian at Biscotti, a Delano-esque restaurant in the Regent.

NIGHTLIFE
The then hotspots were Q Bar and 53. A cyber tree house, Q Bar was ex-pat central with deejays and American appetizers. 53 was underground with a white interior, sushi and fancy cocktails.

If you want to experience the sexier action, simply because when in RomeÉ check out Soi or (Street) Cowboy as opposed to the other tourist traps. In fair warning, I witnessed a pockmarked, obese, mulleted man being french-kissed and "massaged" by a dozen pre-teened girls.

Bangkok is a sex-change capital, so beware of "lady-boys." For those who think you would never mistake a man for a woman, remember, Asians are smaller-boned!

TRANSPORTATION
From Atlanta, never fly directly, stop in L.A. or San Fran. If you have the money, go for first or business class. We flew China Air coach for only $650 each, but my back is permanently ruined.

When there, always opt for the cheap taxis. You will simply die of exhaust fumes in a tuk-tuk. Unbelievably, the air-conditioned BTS subway system was the cleanest place.

When heading to the beaches, always take a plane if possible. Buses and trains take forever. You'll also have to take a ferry, speedboat or longboat. Princesses: it's easier to wade through 2-3 foot water from the boats to the shore with a backpack.

THE BEACHES

Like "The Beach," backpackers discover an idyllic place, the word gets out and within a year, the place is crawling with cheeseballs, Japanese tourists and E! Most of Thailand has fallen to this phenomenon; so if you're looking for unspoiled terrain, try Vietnam.

Depending on your resort standards, there are two methods: the westernized, commercial areas like Phuket that offer boutique hotels and Club Med or the rustic, remote regions that have bungalows or home rentals.

By pure luck, I ended up at Railay Beach on the east coast. One of the top rock climbing destinations in the world, its jagged rock formations blasting out of the sea create a prehistoric/Peter Pan setting. Other natural perks: emerald green water, spectacular sunsets and beaches of minute shells or flour-like sand.

Renting a bungalow for $25 a night equals air conditioning and hot water, a must in washing off suntan lotion. I enjoyed Thai massage, delicious seafood, tropical drinks and smoothies, and ideal nightlife, particularly at The Last Bar, an outdoors lounge with deejays and a floor of tiny lights in twinkling designs. F.Y.I. Thai whiskey has amphetamines.

Next stop: Tanote Bay, a bungalow resort and premiere destination for divers and snorkelers on Koh Tao. Standing hundreds of feet above, I could see the bottom of its mottled, turquoise and teal waters. Though its beach is tiny, you spend the entire time in fins and a mask anyway. Its fabulous mess hall has long teak tables and benches piled high with pillows and divine food, from European breakfast to tom-yum soup and fish dishes. Note to the Pad Thai junkies: You have no idea.

The neighboring Bamboo resortâs outdoor lounge with a thatched roof is pure bliss. Imagine sipping a pina colada, while reclining in a "tree house" bed, listening to electronica. Now you know why so many never return.