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Up Close and Personal: The Intimate View
will is a regular column, so send your questions to Shelli at shellibuhr@yahoo.com.
Single, married, gay, friends, it doesn't matter, we are all some
form of relationships. Are you struggling with getting over someone
from the past or feeling restricted now but don't understand why?
Feel free to join us each month with Questions and Answers that
are here to guide us in integrity, helping to reveal your authenticity,
and maintaining healthy, balanced relationships. Move your life
from the place of victim into being the Victor and see love blossom
in your life!
01.02.03
Aurora wrote:
Dear Up Close and Personal, I met a guy recently.
We have only talked for a few times and he only seems interested
in sex. He didn't call for a few weeks after we had sex, then he
called a few days ago, saying he lost my number. He said he wants
to get together maybe some time next week, but that was a week ago.
I feel like all he is interested in is a "booty call."
What should I do?
Dear Aurora,
There is nothing wrong with a little "booty
call" if sex is the only thing you are interested in. Enjoying
a safe and pleasurable sexual with someone can have its advantages.
By tapping into out sexual energy, we can expand our creative expression,
which helps to increase self-worth and confidence in a healthy way.
Sexuality can ignite creativity as well as spirituality; some cultures
embrace practices such as tantric sex, which is sexuality and spirituality
naturally and instinctually in harmony.
Although intimacy isn't found solely through sex,
it can be a good way of getting to know someone on a more personal
level. I would advise you to be clear with your partner about his
intentions. Try not to skip too far ahead. Both people need to be
willing to cultivate the potential for a relationship. DonÕt project
your longing for a "relationship" onto this growing attraction.
Think of it as part of the process of allowing what you feel for
each other to develop.
If all he is interested is a "booty call"
you also have the power of choice in saying "no, thank you."
If you feel any discomfort with someone paying attention to your
sexuality, perhaps look at your beliefs. Guilt and sexuality can
be a huge stumbling block. Acknowledge where guilt may be pressuring
you in to, or even out of a sexual experience. How do you feel knowing
someone desires you? Does this make you feel uneasy? If so, perhaps
it is conditioning from past relationships or traditional beliefs
keeping you from enjoying a passionate, sexual, and gratifying means
of exploring your partner, as well as yourself.
Look at whether or not your reaction stems from fear,
guilt, or belief systems, take a look at the fantasies you have
with your partner. When you are imagining yourself with him, do
you feel or see the same limitations that you feel when you are
face-to-face? Or is your imagination able to roam freely with a
longing to fulfill your fantasies? Often it is what we "think"
about what is Ògood or rightÓ that controls the experience. If in
your fantasy, you can imagine yourself yearning for your partner,
then chances are, it is your fears, guilt, or conditioning that
is blocking you from having a satisfying experience.
Sexuality can be one of the most fulfilling and enjoyable
ways to discover more about each other. Try not to get to get hung
up on what is expected so you donÕt miss out. Stay focused on what
YOU desire. The answer of how you want to act will be made crystal
clear in how your mind and your body both react. When both people
are free to uncover what they truly desire, sex is a pleasurable
way of exploring each other; giving and receiving. If the magnetic
attraction between the two of you is already there, allow yourself
the freedom to open up to the experience. You may find that your
sexual experience blossoms into something beautiful, sensuous, and
loving.
With Love,
Shelli
Shelli, you had written "real love is to have absolute concern for
others... so anyone we have concern for, we love. It is so simple
but we make it so complex with our attachments to the fears saying
I don't love, because love is only this... or that... we have a
lot of ways of expressing love. It's all good!" I've done plenty
of thinking about what "real love" is. I have a few disagreements
with your definition. I don't mean to put your opinion down or to
say you are wrong. I just see a few things in the above paragraph
that concern me.
I should begin by telling you that I have a BS degree
in chemistry and I'm very analytical in my thinking. I tend to nit
pick at theories and try to see the flaws in them. I tend to ask
for proof and if none is present, I say "well then we aren't sure,
now are we"? I think you know what I mean.
My understanding of "real love". First, I don't think
you can say "absolute concern". The term implies a level not obtainable.
If I have absolute concern for my wife, I cannot have absolute concern
for my children, my dad, mom, and so on. "Absolute" leaves room
for nothing else. For example, consider the known temperature "absolute
zero." I think it's -459 degrees Fahrenheit. This is the temperature
in which all atomic motion ceases. That is, all atoms come to a
complete stop. They can't get any colder. So, when I hear/read "absolute"
I think highest, most, the top, pinnacle, can't go any higher, any
more, you see?
Love (toward another human) is an intense desire
to see that person continue throughout their lifetime to grow spiritually
(not necessarily religiously), but to find spiritual growth and
enhancement. It is selfless (not selfish). Love MAY also be that
feeling you get when you are very close to the higher power of the
universe. Love might be God and God might be love. I can't prove
it though.
Thanks for putting up with me. These have been the
thoughts I have when I consider the definition of "love".
You spoke of love in the absolute or what I call a
"black and white" terms. I see the meaning of absolute entirely
different; I don't see "absolute" as final, although it can be one
of its definitions. Love is not final by any means; it is the foundation
and part of a continual process. Although there are many definitions
of "absolute," here are the first five according to www.dictionary.com.
abásoálute
1.Perfect in quality or nature; complete.
2.Not mixed; pure. See Synonyms of pure.
3. a. Not limited by restrictions or exceptions; unconditional:
absolute trust. b. Unqualified in extent or degree; total: absolute
silence. See Usage Note at infinite. 4.Unconstrained by constitutional
or other provisions: an absolute ruler.
5.Not to be doubted or questioned; positive: absolute proof. Absolute
Philosophy. a. Something regarded as the ultimate basis of all thought
and being. b. Something regarded as independent of and unrelated
to anything else.
Do you have more than one child? If so, do you not
have absolute, complete love for each of them? You mentioned your
parents; don't you feel love for each of them? Let's look at this
from another perspective, Are you creative AND intellectual; or
only creative or intellectual? Can you be both and still able to
continue to grow in each aspect?
Love and relationships teach us lessons towards self-actualization
and growth; you may finish one phase, like graduating from high
school; you go on to college, graduate from college but you can
still get your masters, doctorate, even two, or as many as possible.
Love is an education; there is never a limit on what we can learn.
There is a infinite depth of understanding we can obtain with the
lessons of the heart.
I asked my 17 year-old daughter, "What is love?" Her
answer was, "Feelings, very strong feelings. They make me feel good
and bad. Love is pain, like Ja Rule says in a song." So I asked,
how is love painful? She answered, "Because the pain comes when
the heart hurts." So I ask, "When does the heart hurt?" She said,
"It depends. I love someone but I cannot be with him." So, Des...
the heart hurts because you love, or because you cannot express,
give, and receive the love you feel?
Everything we do is based on two things: love and
what isn't. The essence of love is sharing, to be received, as well
as given. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy... the
lack of feeling at all or feelings denied. Denial does not mean
it isn't real, only we choose not to acknowledge something's presence
in our life.
Love is much more than a concept. Love is a verb,
an energy, just like money, we earn it and spend it; its power moves
through us, affecting decisions, stirring emotions, changing our
reality. Love is not elation itself, but can offer a sense of exhilaration.
You cannot hold it, see it, although we can see and hold someone
or something; this is where the attachment to love gets defined
as a noun. We may "like" ice cream, but the ice cream is not the
"like" only the meaning the ice cream holds in our beliefs.
Individually, we possess feelings just as we own the
choice to love. Unrequited love is a perfect example; the other
person may not know of the feelings, or may not feel the same way;
however, what is felt is very real indeed. In this case, love is
not given, nor is it received; simply love is....
I enjoyed reading your ideal of love. Often, love
gets misunderstand if there is a greater threat or fear of loss;
many can feel threatened if a partner goes through changes or growth,
fearing the partner will leave. In this co-dependent relationship,
love defined as an object, rather than the expression of feelings.
The ownership of feeling is transferred to another person, making
us dependent on that person as the source.
When someone feels anger or jealousy, there is love
present, and a fear of loss that is stronger, which is why we see
possessiveness in relationships; when the fear of losing someone
is stronger than self-love, love is tied in as an object, often
using control as a means to keep the love there.
As far as my credentials, I have degrees in Psychology,
Reiki, and Metaphysics. What has taught me the most is been my continuous
education in life school. I have learned more through my relationships
and the many lessons offered by my children, family, partnerships,
and friends. I have undoubtedly learned the most through my mistakes!
Where else in life can getting an "F" teach us so much? Maybe through
the process of learning what love isn't, is where we find the true
definition of what love is.
I am single. I am looking. For a long time I struggled
because I couldn't find what I was looking for. Then I started to
wonder if I have found what I am looking for in all of the partners
I have had. It reminds me of the T.V. show, Sex in the City; we
are all walking around in this crazy-mixed up world trying to find
what we want in life, in relationships, and in love. Battered and
bruised, sometimes I have put up my own walls, often too high to
scale, so it would take nothing less than superman to get to in.
Sure it may have given me the sense of safety I needed, but my reality
was that I was alone.
I have joined the many online dating services and
single groups; even hoping friends would turn me on to just the
right man... but alas, Saturday night was still not filled in my
date book. So the dating scene kept coming back to one question,
"What DO I Want?"
In life, as well as dating, we all have an agenda;
we all want something. So why are we all here? Are we looking for
sex? Are we looking for love? Do we desire companionship? If you
had the choice to choose, and really go deep down inside with this
one, would you choose love or sex?
I am not saying sex is a bad thing. I like sex. In
fact, mind blowing, multi-orgasmic, sensual, safe, uninhibited sex
is one of those things on my checklist. Sex is important, as it
is how I get to physically express my goddess self, the woman within.
Sex is often mistaken for intimacy; it can break through some of
the barriers in getting to know someone since it can thrust us,
no pun intended, in getting past some of the layers that we may
tend to hide behind. No matter how good the sex is though, there
needs to be more... a lot more.
The first time of being together may feel intimate,
since we are vulnerable, fearing the judgments that we have about
ourselves are being fully exposed. Sex does not replace the value
in getting to know someone on a deeper level, at the core, which
comes with time, conversation, and honesty. Perhaps that is why
my ultimate fantasy is two cups of coffee, a fireplace, and staying
up all night as we realize that the sun is coming up over the horizon.
Yea, alright, call me a romantic, but hey, I can live with that!
What I want is my best friend, my Eros, my Adonis,
the man I can look deeply into his eyes and feel his strength because
he knows who he is and delights in wanting to share his time with
me. I want to breath in his scent, feel his arms around me, holding
me, sharing those intimate moments, sometimes without ever having
to say any words... someone to share my soul with. That is my idea
of a soul-mate. That is what I want.
I started to realize that what I want is exactly what
I will attract so I needed to be clear in speaking my intent; understanding
that what I want is also what I am willing to offer. What I put
out there is exactly how I am going to attract my partner, so instead
of me sitting here making my list of what is or isn't acceptable,
I realize that in wanting to be in a committed relationship, I had
to be the example of what I desire. I want a man who is going to
love me for who I am, so my responsibility is to make sure that
I am being myself; if I am putting forward a mask, then naturally
they are attracted to the image that I project. In dating, we put
out these projections because we are really afraid to show others
who we really are. Have we forgotten who we are because of the hurts
and bruises that we have suffered? Is our past holding back our
future?
Love is like a ping-pong match. If I wanted to date
a man who is emotionally available, then I needed to be available
in both my words and my actions. If I want safety and loyalty in
a relationship, that I have to be willing to show my partner that
they are safe and my choice is to be loyal. I need to speak the
words, " I feel, I desire, I want" and if he is the right partner
for me to explore this avenue with, then I would hear the words
back. Being a very giving person by nature, sometimes love means
giving in, and other times... here's was the clincher for me...
love means that I am willing to accept and allow a man into my life!
This past week, I have posed these questions to a
few singles groups. Here are the replies to the question,
Meekly waving hand... I really want love.
Carrie, Thank you for the courage to say you really want love. I
hear your softness, compassion, and nurturing coming through your
words. I hope you believe in yourself, and know that you are deserving
of love. When you love yourself and believe in who you are, your
confidence will act like a magnet to the men who are looking for
exactly what you have to offer. The first step is remembering your
own value because if we don't believe in ourselves, others will
find it hard to believe in us and may misconstrue your shyness and
think you are not interested. Always remember that everything about
yourself is admirable!
Have you ever been in love? For me it is feeling of
omnipotence. I want to shout it from the rooftops, "I AM IN LOVEEEEE!"
Who cares what people think. It only matters what you think. So
if you want love, keep waving that hand, shout it out girl, and
the right man is going to hear you!
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The
Booty Call
